Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
