One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
