My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
