FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
