why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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