not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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