The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
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