My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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