i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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