My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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