Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
