UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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