my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Quick, to the slutcave!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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