Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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