i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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