she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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