I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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