Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
