Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
