worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We left the knife in your bed.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
