Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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