If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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