apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
