Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
