Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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