I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
