a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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