I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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