At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
