God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
