I just cut my nipple shaving
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
