dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
