that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
