fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I will die if light touches me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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