New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
