I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
