You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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