i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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