I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
