when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
