The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
