omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
