Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
