I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
