Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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