I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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