I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize