I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
