Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
