Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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