my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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