Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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