Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
