i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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