im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
