You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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