You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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