I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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