This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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