I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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