thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
