You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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