im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i want to swaddle you in tequila
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
