if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
