My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
