remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
