I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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