I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
